The Addams Family
by The Walrus and the Carpenter
Summary: For Bella and Edward's engagement, Charlie invites the Cullens for dinner. They've been fooling people for years about their eating habits, so it should be a cinch ... right? Canon M for language


**A/N: this was a oneshot I wrote for FAGE. It's the only vampire canon fic I have written, and it's a little crazy, but anywho...  
The only fic I have left to post now is Cliches and Euphemisms. I'm not sure if I'm going to repost that one. A few things were stolen from it, and it's left a sour taste in my mouth. I'll finish Someone Like You and see how I feel.**

***kisses***

* * *

**The Addams Family**

**Edward's POV**

Alice, Jasper and I arrived first in my Volvo, while the rest of the family followed in Carlisle's Mercedes.

Pulling up alongside the curb just behind us, they piled out. Emmett languidly made an intentional show of stretching, while Rosalie appeared a little too quickly at his side, with a begrudging huff. Carlisle, as usual, led by example, by taking Esme's hand and helping her to her feet, before he turned to us, his gaze implying the seriousness of how he gauged the situation.

We began walking, conjointly, towards the Swans' front porch, taking almost painfully slow strides.

"Okay, guys, let's go over it again," Carlisle began, preparing us for the nights agenda, just as he had at least a dozen times over the last couple of hours. "In and out within a couple of hours, keep the conversation short and polite. We have Jasper if need be."

"To finish the job?" Rosalie muttered, a smug smile appearing and disappearing as her eyes rolled deliberately at my pointed glare.

"Rose, that was uncalled for," Esme spoke up sternly.

"Oh Jazz will be fine, and it'll all go—" Alice piped up in her perpetually annoying, cheerful voice before pausing to clear her throat, "—swimmingly."

I was positive I noticed a smirk ghost across her lips, before she replaced it with a broad encouraging grin. She took the arm that Jasper held out to her, and whether he was offering or receiving support, I wasn't altogether positive, but it made me uneasy.

Alice had insisted that she hadn't seen anything untoward happening tonight, but the times I attempted to probe her mind, I was quickly met with the Addams Family theme. Just as I was at that moment.

"Amusing, Alice." I sighed.

"Oh, Edward, lighten up," she chirped, skipping ahead of us. She was dragging Jasper behind her as if she was re-enacting some drug-induced outtake from A Midsummer's Night Dream.

"I don't know why you're all so worried about. It's not as if the whole town hasn't seen us creepy-ass Cullens for two years now," Emmett added with a quick grin.

"Yes, but we are not often collectively observed, and Chief Swan, I no doubt presume, is a perceptive man," Carlisle answered calmly, though his overtone was guarded.

"Edward is newly engaged to Bella, we're all going to enjoy a nice evening together, and that's all it need be," Esme spoke, her lips thinning with determination.

"How positively all American, all we're missing is the casserole," was Rosalie's dry toned response. She grabbed Emmett's hand forcefully, pulling him to her side with a second irritated breath.

"Enough, Rosalie," Carlisle said lowly.

_Ignore her Edward, she's just whiny because she isn't going to be the center of attention – like always,_Alice spoke to me internally.

The laughter in her voice eased the aggravation that had tensed my hands into tightly closed fists.

Bella answered the door seconds after Alice's ridiculously animated knock. Her eyes immediately sought mine, lighting up from their depths as a warm smile curved on her lips. Her scent reached me the instant later, sweet, delicate strawberries and freesias that would have melted my heart if it were at all possible.

"Hi, Guys," she said brightly, without a trace of apprehension darkening those gorgeous brown eyes of hers.

To undeniably trusting, as usual.

Chief Swan appeared behind Bella then. He placed both his hands on her shoulders before maneuvering around her to extend his hand to Carlisle.

"Good to see you, Doctor Cullen." His eyes flickered, as he no doubt noticed the hard, coolness to Carlisle's skin.

But Carlisle quickly extended the bottle of champagne that he had covertly brought along. "You too, Chief Swan. This is already chilled; I hope it's a favorite."

"Oh how nice," he replied, all, if any, confusion over the handshake erased by the logical explanation of a chilled bottle of wine.

"Humans are so predictable," Rosalie muttered, scoffing—for our ears only.

Carlisle cleared his throat for Rosalie's benefit before turning to introduce Esme to Charlie. "You know my wife, Esme?"

"Not formally. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Cullen," Charlie replied, a distinguishable blush rising to his cheeks.

_Uh-oh, is Chief Swan mind fucking mom? Awkward…_

Emmett.

I closed my eyes momentarily, while reminding myself that only I could hear his depraved thoughts and not to react openly to them.

"Lovely to meet you, Chief Swan," Esme spoke warmly, placing the cut flowers that she'd gathered from our garden into Charlie's hand before he had a chance to extend it to her. His blush worked deeper.

_Dude, he's so totally imagining mom in her underwear._

A wave of calming flooded through me before I had the time to contemplate a reprisal against Emmett. It soothed me from the inside out almost immediately.

_Easy, Edward._

Jasper. I sighed inwardly.

Charlie invited us inside while Carlisle introduced his demon spawn children to him one by one.

I caught Carlisle's exasperated too-low-for-human-ears moan as Emmett bumped fists with Charlie, who participated with slight amusement.

Then Carlisle got to me.

"And of course you know Edward; your soon to be son in-law."

As his eyes rested on me, Charlie's face darkened very subtly.

"How are you, Edward?" he spoke a little too stiffly, enough to elicit a sigh from Bella.

My head was immediately filled with Emmett's raucous laughter.

"I'm good, Chief Swan. How are you?"

"Fine," he spoke abruptly, turning back to Carlisle and Esme and leading them into the kitchen.

I felt Bella's sultry hand entwine through mine, inducing a burst of warmth to shoot through my venom filled veins. I turned to her, leaning down to meet her brief, tender, welcoming kiss.

"Hey, sweetheart," I whispered into her ear, before Alice separated us with her overly enthusiastic greeting.

"I can't believe you guys are getting married!" she squealed, jumping up and down like a psychopathic fan girl that would have put Jessica Stanley to shame.

Bella accepted her gushing affection good-naturedly, only to have the air almost literally squeezed from her—her face quickly going purple—as Emmett hurled her off the ground.

"Little sis!" he exclaimed.

Bella's attempt at speech came out in a croak.

"Emmett—Jesus!" I hollered in frustrated alarm.

Bella smiled almost disjointedly as Emmett released her, and stumbled into my arms.

"I'm fine, Edward," she reassured me, coughing into her hand, which only incensed me more. I shot Emmett an impatient glance, before turning my attention back to her.

Rosalie approached Bella less than fervently, out of obligation if nothing else. "Hello, Bella," she spoke coolly before adding a tight-lipped, "congratulations on your engagement."

Bella's smile was full of wry yet guarded amusement. "Thank you, Rosalie."

Jasper had remained as far from Bella as he could conspicuously manage. She turned to him and flashed him a gentle, knowing grin. "Hi, Jasper—are you okay? You can come closer."

"Hi, Bella." His returning smile was only fractionally tense.

Alice skipped over to a reluctant Jasper, pulling him further in just as Charlie entered from the adjoining room with Carlisle and Esme lurking in the shadows behind him. I wanted to cringe openly from the cliché of it.

"Dinner is a little while yet. Do you kids want to watch a movie or something? Bella's got a collection of them."

"Yeah, sure," Emmett replied, as a sly grin crept across his face. "Bella, you got that movie—what's it called—109 year old vampire virgin?" his grin turned devious, causing Alice to snort a burst of laughter noisily through her nose.

I openly groaned, glad that Charlie had immediately retreated back to the kitchen with his _adult_ house guests.

"Oh please, bring on dinner; I long for the regurgitation," Rosalie said insipidly.

The second wave of calming encompassed me. I felt Bella lean, almost sluggishly, against my side, a deep sigh escaping her lips.

"Let's not react like there was a freaking paper cut or anything!" Rosalie seethed at Jasper through gritted teeth, before her eyes fell docile, the serene energy infiltrating her.

"Let's just put the fu—the movie on!" I demanded, almost stammering out the expletive that I hadn't uttered since the day that idiot, Tyler Crowley almost ran Bella down with his van. I turned toward Jasper a little too quickly, knowing my movement was blurred, to warn him off a third offensive.

As it turned out Bella _did_ own 40 Year Old Virgin.

"You taking notes, Ed?" Emmett asked, winking at me suggestively. It was his dozenth crack in as many minutes that the movie had been running.

It was almost exhausting staying apathetic to his jibes while warning off an emotional assault from Jasper, if I dared appear too agitated.

Bella squeezed my hand. The tenderness to her smile indicated that her thoughts were not dictated by Emmett's pornographic suggestions, but on a similar track. My stomach knotted, while a coursing energy burned through me. A perfect contrast between the two dominating emotions I fought constantly regarding our wedding night; apprehension and anticipation.

Alice suddenly burst into peals of laughter, so abruptly that Bella jolted beside me. But Alice quickly regained her composure, her eyes continuing to glint with laughter as everyone in the room turned to gaze at her as if she was insane.

Which let's face it, it was Alice after all.

I immediately caught a fleeting scene between Esme and Charlie in the Swans' dining room, flash through her mind before she quickly replaced it with the Addams Family theme song again.

Something about the mortified expression on the Chief's face made me feel immediately uneasy, despite Alice's apparent amusement. I continued to gaze at her intently, but she merely smiled to herself secretly and turned her attention to Jasper, while she filled her mind with visions of Uncle Fester and Cousin It.

The wretched creature knew something!

Another hour passed, along with another dozen virgin jokes from Emmett; followed by two more surges of calming mind control by Jasper that had Rosalie striking a murderous expression that was bordering sociopathic.

"If I wanted to chill I'd take a Valium," she sneered at Jasper under her breath, who only sported a small smirk in response.

When the chief came into the living room to announce that dinner was _finally_ ready, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie all shoved and pushed their way into the dining room like a pack of starving, rabid dogs. Though in reality it was to escape the static filled air that Jasper was emanating.

Chief Swan chuckled in amusement. "Well, you kids must be hungry then?"

"I haven't eaten in a week, after all," Rosalie muttered in reply, causing a low groan to rumble in the pit of my chest as Charlie's brow rose high on his forehead with disapproving surprise.

"She's joking of course!" Esme laughed forcefully, throwing Rosalie a ferocious glare, which was too fleeting for Charlie to notice, though long enough to exaggerate Esme's direct warning.

"Rosalie has always liked the idea of an eating disorder—she thinks there's something mysterious about it," Alice piped up with feigned enthusiasm, as though she was discussing her latest fashion accessory.

Carlisle actually lowered his head to his hand, a sigh—almost inaudible to us—escaping his mouth.

"There's nothing mysterious about being a vegetarian," Rosalie retorted.

Charlie stopped short suddenly looking unsure of himself. "You're a … vegetarian?"

The poor man looked devastated.

"For the want of another word," Rosalie mumbled too low for Charlie to hear this time. He did catch the exasperation that Esme hissed through her clenched teeth.

Rosalie had the audacity to grin, while I contemplated ways to inventively murder her. It didn't help that every snotty word that she spoke elicited an immediate booming laugh from Emmett.

"We all eat a wide range of food, Chief Swan," Carlisle reassured him, placing his hand on the Chief's back and turning his attention away from Rosalie, who snorted lowly and sarcastically. It was lucky for her preservation that it wasn't loud enough for human ears.

Of course, it went without saying that we weren't really going to eat. Dinner with the Swans would be nothing more than a clever charade enabled by our powers and perfected over decades of practice. Not unlike the epitome of our pseudo-humanity. Still, to look authentic, we knew we'd have to at some point actually put the food on our plates into our mouths and chew—at the barest minimum.

Bella entered the Dining Room with a collection of drinking and wine glasses and set about placing them in front of each one of us with added care. She threw Esme and Carlisle a tender smile as she passed them. Esme patted her hand affectionately and returned her smile reassuringly.

Chief Swan followed a moment later carrying a huge stuffed turkey, sautéed in honey and butter. A pleasant enough scent except when considering the idea of it inside my mouth; a human equivalent to eating slugs.

I guess Alice's thoughts were mirroring mine, because the moment Charlie placed the bird in the center of the table, an involuntary shudder rippled through her. She quickly masked it by clasping her hand over her mouth, before uttering a ridiculously over acted, "_YUM,_ that smells _delicious_!"

Rosalie of course, sighed tediously—and a little too deliberately—then brought her hand to her head, massaging her temples as though she had a migraine.

"Do you need a Tylenol, Rose?" I asked her, my voice a low furious accusation.

This was when Jasper let loose on his mental Xanax.

"That looks wonderfully delicious, Chief Sw—," Esme's words faded on her lips as the swell of calming enveloped her, along with the rest of us. "Oh dear…"

Charlie took a step back, looking both surprised and alarmed before a sluggish smile replaced his apprehension.

"Please, Mrs. Cullen, call me Charlie," he said exhaling deeply, before disappearing around the doorway.

_What else is that man going to torture us with!_Rosalie's obnoxious voice invaded my head.

I ignored her.

"Jasper, I think that was a slight over reaction don't you?" Carlisle asked quietly, turning to look at him.

Jasper shot an accusing finger at me. "If Edward wasn't so highly strung and ready to rip someone's head off, I wouldn't have to overreact."

"Edward, highly strung?" Rosalie's brow shot up sarcastically. "How _totally unheard of_."

I forced back my growing impatience with a heavy sigh and turned to Bella as she took her seat beside me. She grabbed my hand, breaking into an encouraging smile.

"I thought that was you, Jasper," she said a moment later with a soft toned chuckle, then moved her hand from over mine to rest on my knee. Squeezing it gently, she then inched her palm swiftly up my thigh. I immediately tensed, which did not escape Emmett's attention. I suspected there was some lewd, disparaging remark on the tip of his tongue that he would have shared with the room, if Charlie wasn't about to re-enter it.

"I almost forgot the champagne," Charlie commented with a small laugh.

He stood beside his seat, at the head of the table, on the opposite end from Carlisle, and fiddled with the corkscrew, until the cork flew off with a loud pop. Champagne frothed up the neck and spilled over.

Emmett glanced over at me with a sly, suggestive grin. "Pop goes the—"

_Virgin._

"—Weasel!"

I would have dropped my head into my palms and grabbed two fistfuls of hair, if Bella didn't grab my hand again, placating me with the gentle soothing strokes of her thumb.

"Don't even think about it," Rosalie warned Jasper, her jaw clenched threateningly. The volume of her voice was barely beyond the hearing of Bella and Charlie, which made Esme cringe before once again turning her eyes in Rosalie's direction and shooting off a dark warning glare. She then turned back to Charlie who was blissfully unaware and continued pouring her glass with wine.

"Mother dear," Emmett spoke up, with a devious grin, "may I have a glass of champagne too?"

Esme glanced over at him, before replying curtly, "You're under age, Emmett."

This of course evoked a loud obnoxious snort from Rosalie, while Alice burst out with some kind of bizarre pseudo laughter, before directing her attention to Charlie. "It's an inside joke we have—because look at him, he looks way older than eighteen, doesn't he?"

Charlie raised an eyebrow, gazing at Emmett, pondering. "He certainly does. Hey, what the heck. If it's okay with your mom and dad, son, it's fine with me. It's a celebration after all."

Whether it was derived from his subconscious or not, Charlie's voice restricted around the word _celebration._Something that wasn't just obvious to Bella and I.

Again, Emmett's laughter filled my head, so loudly that it gave me a momentary impression of a headache. I rubbed my forehead with the palm of my hand roughly, before deciding the best course of action was to let it go.

Carlisle contemplated the idea of allowing Emmett to _drink while underage_ for the acceptable amount of time before conceding with a sigh. "Okay—but one glass."

He poured Emmett's glass with champagne, while Charlie began carving the turkey and serving it.

_Dude, is that shit decomposing or what?_Emmett's genuinely incredulous voice loudly interrupted my thoughts.

"It really does look divine, Charlie," Esme exclaimed as he handed her back a plate full of food that she was unable to digest.

He blushed. "Bella, of course, did most of the hard work." He turned his eyes to meet mine, they darkened fractionally as he added, "You're lucky to be marrying a girl who'll feed you so well."

_Oh God…_

I groaned under my breath while a collection of muffled snickers and snorts erupted from my siblings. Even Carlisle managed an ironic grin.

Esme failed to see the humor in it, quieting them with the fierceness of her stare before turning back to Charlie. "Bella, I hear, is a wonderful cook, and we all adore her."

Smiling over at Bella and me with the eternal warmth that was the epitome of who she was, Esme rose her glass of champagne. The rest followed suit and even Charlie managed to raise his, though all but begrudgingly.

"To Bella and Edward," Esme toasted.

It was chorused to us with Alice taking her enthusiasm to new heights while Rosalie, the polar opposite, with her sarcasm. Emmett was the most jovial, adding his own toast for my thoughts only—that was too X-rated for my tenuous stability to linger on.

Bella, beside me, was an open flame. I turned to her and smiled tenderly. Closing my hand around hers, I absorbed the elevated heat from her skin before gazing back at my family and soon to be father in law.

"Thanks, everyone," Bella and I spoke in unison.

And so the charade begun.

Needless to say, the napkins got a very strenuous work out. Though, if we didn't have speed on our side we may have actually have had to ingest the food; something I don't think Rosalie would have endured without ensuing unpleasantness.

Alice of course was the first to actually put the food in her mouth, only to nearly gag on it—hastily spitting it back out on her plate, involuntarily.

_I'm sorry, Edward, I haven't had to actually eat food in so long._

Strategically, before she attracted Charlie's attention Carlisle side-tracked him with conversation. "Tell us, Chief, what were your first thoughts upon hearing of Bella and Edward's engagement?"

Charlie chewed his food a little quicker and swallowed before answering, "To be honest, I thought Bella might have been pregnant."

Like the complete and utter idiotic wise ass that he was, Emmett's response was to scoff loudly. "Of course, that wouldn't be creepy at all."

The chief's eyes zoomed in on him and immediately narrowed.

"Or conceivable," Alice hastily added. I got the impression that she thought she was helping.

"Don't you mean _possible_!" Rosalie added flatly.

When Alice blurted out with another exaggerated laugh, I all but groaned, mortified that the conversation in front of Chief Swan was regarding me impregnating his daughter.

Ridges of confusion and impatience grew deep across his forehead as he gazed from one of us to the next. "Let me guess … inside joke?"

_I apologize, Edward, I asked them to act a little more like teenagers,_ Carlisle's voice suddenly infiltrated my mind.

_Oh for Fu—_My thoughts hedged with increasing aggravation.

"Totally!" Alice replied, this time her weird coerced laugh made Esme openly flinch.

_Good grief!_ Esme's exasperated tone blasted into my head on the tail wind of her anger.

"Edward, relax," Bella whispered to me, only moments before the insurgence of Jasper's telekinetic Xanax treatment rendered us all slightly sedated and disorientated.

"Holy shit! Am I wasted already?" Emmett exclaimed during the peak of the calming wave.

"Emmett!" Esme exclaimed with disapproval. "Apologize please."

"Erm …"

At that exact moment, Rosalie began spluttering and retching, her face practically turning a different shade of alabaster in her efforts to combat it. It took us only a moment to realize that it was no farce by the sheer lividness of her expression. Emmett immediately reacted, doing something so stupidly human by thumping her on the back.

The sound of stone hitting stone as Emmett's hand impacted with Rosalie, echoed around the room, which immediately fell quiet.

"What on earth was that noise?" Charlie exclaimed, obviously not assuming it came from Rosalie herself.

"Oh shit!" Emmett exclaimed, his hand whipping out in lightning speed to smash a clay vase that sat on a table nearest him. "I broke your—thing! Sorry!"

"Oh my goodness!" Esme dropped her head into her hand shaking it lightly before glancing over at Charlie apologetically.

"I think that's enough champagne for you, Emmett!" Carlisle spoke sternly.

Jasper, who had remained quiet and composed the entire time as he concentrated on detecting any adverse change in our moods, snorted.

Charlie was blessedly too distracted with his concern over Rosalie, who continued to choke as if we had poured sulfuric acid down her throat.

"Would you like a glass of water, Rosalie?" he asked her, his forehead knotting. He was probably noting the total lack of change in her color compared to her _over reaction._

She nodded her head, in between glaring at Jasper, and Charlie quickly headed into the kitchen.

I glowered at her.

"I accidentally swallowed," she seethed at me lowly, through gritted teeth.

"Well that's something I haven't heard for some time!" Emmett boomed up.

Bella placed her hand over her mouth and muffled her laughter, while Esme's exasperation began reaching breaking point.

"Emmett, have some decorum—please!"

Carlisle was massaging his forehead with the tips of his fingers slowly, a humming moan escaping his lips, as though he really was the father of five teenaged foster children.

Rosalie regained enough of her poise to spit acid in Jasper's direction, who sat with feigned oblivion working its way into his smirk. "I was fine until that neurotic_pissant_ ambushed me with his hocus-pocus!"

Charlie rushed back into the room, relieved to see Rosalie had recovered.

"Here you go," he said gently, handing her the glass of water, only to be jolted by something notable as he gazed at her.

_Uh-oh, hostile in the perimeter!_ Emmett, and he seemed amused more than anything else.

Carlisle informed me of what I was beginning to already suspect, _he's noticing. He already asked about our identical eyes._

Well in reality who wouldn't? Seven people all supposedly unrelated—apart from Rose and Jasper—yet all shared the same hue of very unusual yellow eyes.

I sighed.

"Charlie, she's fine," Esme said to him, in her most charming of tones, completely ice cool. "Please, come and relax and enjoy this wonderful meal."

She smiled at Charlie warmly, who without further prompting, yielded to her request.

Anticipating Rosalie, I whirled my head in her direction, glaring the full intention of my warning to her. She scowled back at me and continued her eating charade with obvious distaste.

Under the table, I reached out with my foot, swiftly kicking her. An enraged growl instantly erupted from her, as the table jolted violently.

Charlie's attention immediately switched from Carlisle and Esme, to focus on her.

_Edward – what the hell?_ Esme reprimanded.

"Oh my gosh, I think I saw a wolf at the window!" Alice blurted with such exaggerated alarm, that it was worthy of a Razzie.

Charlie's head whipped to the direction of the window, his expression turning serious

"_HOLY GUACAMOLE!_ I'm so wasted!" Emmett decided to jump on the bandwagon of diversion and play on his supposed intoxication. After his outburst, he started forcing out loud, obnoxious sounding hiccups that clearly grated on Esme's last nerve. While the aggravation ignited within me impulsive, jerky movements that were probably too swift for human eyes.

"You're enjoying this a little too much, don't you think?" I demanded low enough so only he could hear.

"Edward, you ran your hand through your hair, I'm sure … only I didn't see it," Bella leaned toward me and whispered delicately. It distracted me from my rising anger with Emmett but immediately presented me with a new problem.

Bella didn't see my movement and clearly from his scrutinizing, intense gaze, Chief Swan didn't either.

_Dude, we are so BUSTED!_

Jasper's Xanax quickly turned to shock treatment, wiping our minds temporarily clear while we sat dumbfounded.

"Where the hell am I?" Rosalie was the first to speak as it wore off, her tone growing increasingly irate.

Bella and Charlie being human felt the effects more acutely. Bella gazed at me with an awed curiosity, looking like she had no idea who I was for a moment. Yet Charlie quickly recovered, noticing even more keenly the changes in his atmosphere. The knot furrowed even more deeply in his brow as his confusion increased—along with his suspicion.

"How about another glass of champagne, Charlie?" Esme asked quickly, her tone slightly flustered.

He shook his head to himself, attempting, no doubt, to clear his head of incoherency. He picked up the bottle of champagne and smiled at Esme abashedly. "I must have had a little too much champagne myself, I think."

You could see the cogs in his mind debating immediately as soon as the words were out of his mouth. He knew he'd drank only one glass and he knew there was something very odd about _all_ the Cullens. Something that was validated the minute he caught Esme's gaze and just as he was pouring her glass.

Jasper brought out the daisy cutter of _hocus-pocus_ and Charlie, instantly dazed and befuddled, proceeded to pour the champagne all down Esme's front.

Emmett, stepping up his drunken behavior, blurted out. "Wet t-shirt contest, _Mom! WOOHOO!_"

"Oh, good lord!" Esme reacted, just as Charlie emerged from his stupor and gushed out a barrage of apologies. Grabbing a napkin, he tried to wipe her dry, while avoiding certain sections of her anatomy.

Alice laughed almost hysterically; this time it was genuine, while Emmett's laughter—that I caught in my head—was sly and reeked with humor.

"Edward—oh my god!" Bella sighed from beside me, becoming increasingly upset by what was transpiring.

"We're going to have to wrap it up and soon!" I said.

Charlie's attention kept involuntarily focusing back to Esme's eyes, and each time he did, his face puckered with confusion, despite his exclamations and apologies.

After this, it all fell apart, becoming a domino effect. The more confusion Jasper swept over us, the more incriminating the outbursts, which only succeeded in intensifying Charlie's attention towards us more.

It was like being in a whirlwind of disorientation that crippled all equanimity. It would stop long enough to get your bearings, only to drag you back again. I'd truly never witnessed this level of Jasper's power.

"I'll rip your fucking head off," Rose seethed barely beneath her breath to Jasper before pulling up short in bewilderment.

"What the crap am I supposed to be doing with this tortured fucker—someone?" Emmett held up a slice of turkey on his fork, genuinely confused.

Alice burst into psychotic laughter. "Er … what?" she asked blankly, before going into another round.

"For the love of peace!" Esme exclaimed, drifting in and out of coherency.

Emmett went into a ludicrous round of hiccups.

I groaned loudly, only to momentarily forget my exasperation. I turned to Bella while she gazed star struck and drunkenly at me. The next, she was shaking her head at me, appearing lucid again.

When the next wave of confusion hit the room, Bella grabbed hold of my shoulder for support, uttered my name then thudded face first into her plate of food.

"Jazz!" I growled furiously. "Enough!"

I pulled Bella back, gently moving her hair that had captured particles of food, out of her face.

"Was that really—_wolves_?" Charlie asked looking suddenly alarmed.

"Those Quileute fuckers are after us? What the fuck!" Emmett bellowed, leaping out of his chair in a sudden stance of defense.

"Emmett, sit down—Jasper, please … God damn it—what?" It was a strange, foreign sight, seeing Carlisle so befuddled; if that is, I had any idea why.

"I think we _must_ have drunk too much champagne," Charlie suddenly broke into a humorless chuckle.

Rose went back to massaging her temple. "Someone please throw in the fucking towel."

"You're so beautiful," Bella whispered.

"Why the fuck am I hiccupping? We don't hiccup?"

I groaned, pinched the bridge of my nose, and closed my eyes, while praying for an earthquake.

"If I ate this desecrated crap, your ashes will burn in the fireplace for the rest of my days!" Rose burst irately, turning her murderous eyes on Jasper.

"Am I drunk? Can this shit make us drunk? Totally _awesome_!"

Alice's laughter began hitting new heights of deranged.

"Oh, good grief!" Esme sighed.

Emmett leaped to his feet, holding his glass up in another toast. I had absolutely no idea whether he was under the influence of Jasper or if it was his own idiocy.

"To Bella and Ed," he was deliberately slurring his words, a huge, sly grin forming on his lips. "May their wedding night bring him back from the dead!"

"Not fucking likely," Rosalie muttered.

"Okay—_ENOUGH_!" The deadly serious, authoritative tone of Carlisle rang out through the room, silencing it instantly.

Emmett hiccupped one last time and Carlisle was on his feet. "I'm terribly sorry, Chief, but I need to get my _son_ home."

Charlie gazed up at Carlisle, blankly. "Uh …"

Bella was still clinging to me—practically cowering against me, shielding herself from the event of another onslaught from Jasper. I was fuming.

Charlie sat back in his chair looking exhausted, yet very discernibly intoxicated; which I was sure Carlisle was hoping was the explanation he'd accept. He kept shaking his head back and forth as if trying to make some sense of everything.

"Thank you so much for having us, Charlie. Emmett will be visiting in a few days to make it up you."

"What the fu—" Emmett protested before Esme interjected, all pretenses gone.

"Emmett—I swear to God!"

"Uh… yeah, okay. No problem, thank you for coming," Charlie replied, continuing to shake his head to himself in bewilderment.

Alice passed me, following Esme and Carlisle out the room, looking frazzled and over exerted.

"Are you coming, Edward?" she asked soberly, before the sound of Emmett singing to the theme of the Addams Family, loudly with continued feigned drunkenness, brought bursts of laughter from both she and Bella. All I could do was shake my head with unfathomable disbelief.

"_They're creepy and they're kooky._

_Mysterious and spooky._

_They're altogether hooky._

_The Cullen family._"

* * *

**Emmett is terribly fun to write :)**


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